Hockey

Game #33 – I Wait, But I’m Too Tired to Play Pretend. I’ll Suffocate Until the End – Hawks 3, Blues 4

Box Score

Natural Stat Trick

A win tonight would have been a steal. Other than Crawford, Toews, Saad, Kane, and Murphy, the Hawks did absolutely nothing to deserve to even be up by three, let alone be up by two with just seven minutes to go. This was a monumental breakdown that should cost everyone their jobs after tonight, but it won’t, because the organ-I-zation can do no wrong ever. You knew it was coming, but it doesn’t make it feel much better. Let’s tidy up.

– Before the third, Corey Crawford was once again the best player on the ice. And despite the last two goals, which Crawford probably could have had, Crawford kept this trash heap in it for as long as he could. Until the last seven minutes or so, Crawford was the number-one star, but you can only hold the dam for so long before the facts that Alex Nylander, Dennis Gilbert, and Brent Seabrook are skating serious minutes for this team bear shit fruit from their gigantic ass tree.

Brandon Saad continues to shine as the best all-around skater on this wet-bag-of-diarrhea team. His first goal was certainly an excuse me, but his second one reminds you of what he could be if he showed that kind of finish regularly. The whole play was beautiful, really.

First, Toews pickpocketed Jabe O’Meester on the boards, which was right in line with the Blackhawks’s consistent member-berries theme of 2019. After the steal, Toews used Kubalik as a screen near the far post to pass to Saad. Saad streaked in through the back door and used a quick backhand-forehand exchange to pot his second of the night. Who, other than everyone but Jeremy Colliton, could have ever seen Saad–Toews–Kubalik working?

Patrick Kane’s goal was pure filth. It’s easy to forget how lethal his wrister is when he’s got even an iota of space, but he made sure to remind us all tonight. After Strome and DeBrincat played patty cake with the puck near the blue line and in the neutral zone, Kane decided to gird himself, taking a loose puck off the near boards and going outside to inside before snapping his goal off in one slick motion. Creep can roll.

– I never want to see Alex Nylander on the ice in a Blackhawks sweater again. We all knew he sucked going into this year. But after tonight, there is no doubt that he is a total and complete bust with absolutely no feel for how the game works. What the fuck is he supposed to be doing here?

Or here?

Or here?

Alex Nylander didn’t lose this game, but you’d be hard pressed to find a game he helped win, either.

– We’ve been saying this for the past two months, but seriously, Jeremy Colliton should be fired after tonight. Two goals in 10 seconds, including the game-tying goal, with Seabrook and Gilbert on the ice for fucking both. On purpose. By design. Seabrook was easily one of the worst players on the ice tonight and the worst defender by far. Dennis Gilbert is Dennis Gilbert. These are the guys you want on the ice when the momentum has obviously swung? Fuck, disregarding the momentum, why the fuck are these two on the ice together at all? Fuck your injuries, there is no reason these two should be a pairing for any reason ever.

And this was after Gilbert had an inoffensive game for the first time in his short career. Watching him get his ankles broken off a Thomas pass right before Bozak’s second goal, followed by his wheel pose on de la Rose’s game-tying goal should be the last memory we have of him. But it won’t, because this is the Chicago Blackhawks, an organ-I-zation that can do no wrong. Just ask them.

Jeremy Colliton might be a great European coach. Maybe he can cut it in the AHL. But he’s entirely overmatched in the NHL. Even with the horseshit roster he’s been handed, he’s done nothing to show that he has the creativity or foresight to even try to put them in a position to win. (And if you’re more of a “fire Bowman for that” person, I’m with you.) Tonight ought to be the nail in the coffin. But it won’t, because this organ-I-zation has never once taken responsibility for its fuck ups. It is not going to start now. Bowman et al. have jobs to protect, and woe be to anyone who questions the talent smokescreen of the privileged.

It’s not surprising, but it’s nonetheless embarrassing. Even for a team as bad as the Hawks, allowing four unanswered goals, including three in the span of five minutes in the third period, is unacceptable. You can bet that Eddie O is putting all his money on being the head coach by the time we reach the quarter pole.

One goal: The lottery.

Beer du Jour: Hometown Coffee Stout (Westfax Brewing), Maker’s Mark, Miller High Life, Sour Monkey

Line of the Night: “Pick those up with some jean shorts in St. Louis.” –Pat Boyle on toasted ravioli

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