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Game #41 – Oilers vs. Hawks: Douchebag Du Jour – Angry At Your Numbers

We here at FFUD Headquarters are a progressive bunch, or at least we’d like to think so. We think most traditions should be looked at if not outright eliminated. Just because you’ve always done something one way is not a reason to keep doing it if there’s a better way. Especially in hockey, where everything is grounded in Canadian backwoods mythology.

So we’re all for player numbers being more than just 1-35. But the Oilers have way too many fucking stupid numbers.

Look at these things. #91? Who the fuck are you, Drake Caggiula? You don’t get an identifying number. If you’re going above 80, you better know what the fuck you’re doing. 93? No wonder Ryan Nugent-Hopkins is overrated. His number doesn’t make any sense.

97? Yes, you may be the best player in the league Run CMD, but do you really want to wear the number that Jeremy Roenick wore when he got fat and shitty? 98? Even football players who wear 98 tend to be terrible, Jesse Puljujarvi. That’s a dumb hockey number that takes up too much space.

58? Only middle relievers wear 58, Anton Slepyshev! And who are you, anyway?

Yohan Auvitu, you do not get to wear #81. #81 is sleek and cool and intimidating. Marian Hossa gets to wear that. Tim Brown gets to wear that. Night Train Lane gets to wear that. You do not, whoever you are.

EIGHTY-THREE?! That’s stupid and clunky and so are you Matt Benning. You’re not Flipper Anderson! You’re not Willie Gault! Fuck you!

Brandon Davidson you don’t get #88. You have to be someone we can pick out of a lineup, sometimes literally, to wear that. Kiss our ass and call it a love story!

This is not like the Canadiens, where they have retired so many numbers that current players have to pick dumb numbers. Only seven have retired their numbers, and for some reason Glenn Anderson is one of them. There’s plenty to go around. RNH you wear #18 now. The rest of you… who cares? McDavid you wear 10. Messi wears 10. Great players wear 10. 97 looks silly.

Let Milan Lucic wear a stupid number, because he’s stupid. Put 57 on Patrick Maroon to match his clumsiness and uselessness. This has gone on long enough.

 

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