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Game #47 – Lightning vs. Hawks Douchebag Du Jour: #JonCooperFacts

We ran this a couple years ago, and thought we’d share again because we’re truly sick. 

And as fair warning, things are going to get incredibly weird.

Please note, these #CooperFacts are parody and not actually true (that we are aware of), and that this reflects more on us than anything else. 

  • Jon Cooper has never made it through a team flight without making a Mile High Club joke to a female flight attendant while making an off-putting amount of eye contact.
  • Jon Cooper has gone as Mo Wanchuk from Slap Shot for Halloween 10 years running.
  • Jon Cooper has a signed 5×7 photo of him shaking Peter North’s hand in 2002 at the AVN Awards on his desk.
  • Jon Cooper has used his law degree to represent himself in at least one public indecency charge.
  • Jon Cooper’s pre-game meal is always at one of Tampa’s many fine strip club buffets.
  • Jon Cooper has sent no fewer than 6 hand written letters to HBO regarding the decline in quality in their On Demand softcore selection.
  • Jon Cooper has pulled the bathroom stunt from Mr. Robot at least three times on a female houseguest in the last year.
  • Jon Cooper regularly tastes his own seed as a quality control measure to ensure consistent viscosity and flavor.
  • Jon Cooper’s favorite actor is Michael Douglas.
  • Jon Cooper has had to purchase the same Liberator four times due to wear and tear.
  • Jon Cooper has more different massage oils than there are spices in the kitchen of The Girl & The Goat.
  • Coincidentally, Jon Cooper thought The Girl & The Goat was something entirely different prior to last year’s final, and was quite disappointed upon finding out the reality.
  • Jon Cooper asks the checkout girl at Kohl’s which set of patterned bikini briefs she likes better before making his purchase.
  • Jon Cooper can’t resist drawing a dick and balls with WAY too much pubic hair on the whiteboard in the dressing room.
  • Jon Cooper will tell anyone who will listen about his latex allergy.
  • Jon Cooper likes to relax after a tough day by watching Wild Things 2 with the director’s commentary track on.
  • Jon Cooper keeps a signed copy of “The Game” on his nightstand.
  • Jon Cooper is one of the few men to have a glory hole in his own bathroom.
  • Jon Cooper looks like he and his lady met two other couples at an empty mansion in the hills and swapped lovers for a week.
  • Jon Cooper has the hair of a man who owns a cigarette boat.
  • Jon Cooper told every Penguins player in the handshake line that they were welcome at his beachfront home any time for “mondo sucking and fucking”.
  • Jon Cooper has an entire pantry full of coconut oil but he never cooks.
  • Jon Cooper’s suit is a tear away he bought from discountstripper.com just in case.
  • Jon Cooper calls girls “co-eds”.
  • Jon Cooper swears “Leisure Suit Larry” is based off of his life.

 

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