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Guide To The Committed Indian

You may have noticed this weekend that there’s a new link on our menu bar up top there. Right next to The Store. Maybe you didn’t. Well, it’s time you did.

We know that this is the time of year where we get a lot of new visitors. The playoffs are coming, more people are interested in the Hawks, more are seeking out (better) coverage than they get from the mainstream. We’re happy to welcome you in.

But we also know that at times we speak a different language here. It’s a dialect that’s mutated and formed over the six years we’ve been doing this, combined with the loose relationship all of us have with sobriety. We’re sure it can be confusing. There’s a lot of codes and nicknames and whatever else. Hang around long enough and you’ll be well-versed in it enough to find the bathroom, but we know some people are frightened off.

It’s the same in the comments. Our loyal readers have developed their own customs and language in their playpen, and it can seem a bit boys club to the uninitiated.

Well, we’re here to help. Many of our readers got together and wrote the following “Guide To The Committed Indian.” In it, they go through every term, nickname, and weird other shit we like to delve into and define it for you. So if you didn’t know what “laaaarmered” means, or who in the hell we were talking about with “NACHOS!”, now you will.

You can always find it on the top menu bar, but it’s printed in its entirety after the jump.

A little helpful guide to the nicknames, memes and the ‘don’t do this or Ahn will banhammer you’, to help you find your way into the TCI hive.

Founders (TOS – originally from SCH)

  • SamFels:  Owner, operator, God of TCI.

  • Killion:  Likes dogs. Enjoys long walks on the beach and happy thoughts. Is a Redskins fan which doesn’t need to be made fun of because nothing one can say is worse than saying you’re a Redskins fan

  • McClure:  Shut up. He’s not interested. Hang up on yourself.

Contributors

  • Fifth Feather: Occasional contributor, only slightly more interested in what you have to say. Smartest and handsomest.

  • kimwrona: All things bbHawks in Rockford

 

Mods (Power Hungry Sycophants):

  • Ahnfire

  • Stacie7


Unofficial official rules of the board and game day threads:

  • Racism / Sexism / Homophobia / other bigotry or such asshole-ishness will not be tolerated. This can’t be over emphasized.

  • Also lazy “jokes” like “Sedin sisters” is very poor form. Use Children of the Corn or Honk/Donk or something more imaginative. Jokes that insinuate a male is somehow less of a person because you are calling them a female (or vice versa) are lowest common denominator stuff that belongs on lesser boards like Puck Daddy.


Nicknames and Memes of Current Players:

Bryan Bickell:  Travis, Lord Byron, Bicks

Brandon Bollig:  Goallig (Also Assistig, Missig, Penaltig, Fightig), El Topo – Hated, under-appreciated, the focus of anger, improved, sucks, useless, face-puncher, born in St. Louis

Sheldon Brookbank:  Moon Pie, The Accountant

Corey Crawford:  Crow, Crawful, Crawdaddy – Bad glove hand, contract is terrible, etc. Blamed by some for everything not already attributed to Brandon Bollig. Funny drunk. Serviceable goaltender. Terrible netminder.

Michael Handzus:  Zus – Is slow. Really slow. Painfully slow. Sometimes useful, but seriously he’s slooow.

Niklas Hjalmarsson:  Hammer, Hjammer, TOFTBO, Nintendo, Super Nintendo Hjalmers, Meatball, Jelly, Jelly Sandwich, Jarbles (due to frequent mispronunciation by commentators)

Marian Hossa:  God, Odin, The Holy Trinity, Hossbollah, Beloved of the Hockey Gods, Panda, JeHossa. He is Marian Hossa, and you are not – Self explanatory; Resulted from the total humiliating stripping and undressing of a Shark player and goalie during the 2010 WCF and immediate result of the goal ending up in the Sharks net.

Patrick Kane:  Humpty Hump, Black Magic, the Dark Wizard, Handbanana

Duncan Keith:  Teeth, Flash, Duncs, D2K

Marcus Kruger:  Frogger, because he plays in traffic and is constantly run over. The Plan All Along (from a Bowman quote about his arrival late in the 2011 season). Freddie (Krueger, Nightmare on Elm Street)

Nick Leddy:  Lead Pipe (a la Saad), Napoleon Dynamite, Mumbles.

Jeremy Morin:  Mo. Has an all-purpose bus pass between Rockford and Chicago

Johnny Oduya:  Johnny Two points, Bangkok Dangerous ,“Oh, Do Ya?”, Odie

Joel Quennville:  Q, Q-stache

Mikael Roszival:  Rozy, Rozencrantz

Brandon Saad:  Kneel Before Saad, KNEEL, GAAD, Manchild (team nickname probably attributable to Sharpy)

Brent Seabrook:  Biscuit, Seabs, Nacho Seabre (BizzaroHairHelmet)

Patrick Sharp:  Handsome, Patrick Sharp Is A Very Handsome Man, Shooter, Sharp-dressed Man

Andrew Shaw:  Mutt, Chickenhawk

Ben Smith:  Agent Smith, Optimus Grind

Stan Bowman:  StanBo, GM. There is a cult of Stan Bowman and it is often at war with the cult of Q. The cult of Stan Bowman leader and the cult of Q leader often find themselves irreconcilably in conflict with one another.

Jonathan Toews:  Captain, Captain Serious, Captain Marvel, Tazer. Makes funny faces –  Required amount of grotesque facial display to counteract the total awesomeness that is about to be displayed.

Kris Versteeg:  Steeg, Steeger, VerBeautiful, VerBeauty, Country Stupid, DAMMIT VERSTEEG when he misses an open net or turns over the puck due to excessive cuteness


Nicknames of Lines:

Day Dream Nation:  Abbreviated as DDN. The combination of Toews and Kane on the ice. Combined they are 1988, the year the Sonic Youth album of the same name was released, and their birth years. Put those two on ice and it doesn’t matter who’s on LW, he’s pretty much “and a dude”.

Ebenholts och Elfenben (Swedish for “Ebony and Ivory”):  Hjalmarsson/Oduya pairing

Hammer of the Gods:  old name for the Red Wedding line

Human Shields:  the Kruger (/Smith/Bollig) line, due to extreme defensive zone deployment

Marlboro 72:  The Keith/Seabrook defense pairing

Red Wedding Line:  First line combination of Sharp, Toews, and Hossa

Seriously Saad Panda:  Saad/Toews/Hossa first line.


Nicknames and Memes of Former Players:

David Bolland: Rat, greyhound

Daniel Carcillo: Carbomb, Gorilla Salad, Carello

Tomas Kopecky:  Falls down a lot, Maggie Simpson, proprietor of the Kopecky Trick.

Michael Kostka:  Costco, Thor (due to resemblance to Chris Hemsworth of the eponymous Marvel movie. He is fully aware of this, per his Twitter and Hallowe’en costumes.)

Brandon Pirri:  Had all-purpose bus pass for travel between Rockford and Chicago.

Jeremy Roenick:  Awesome Hawk, the Other #27, enlarged head, titanium jaw. Currently on NBC after he had his brain removed. Shed tears after 2010 Stanley Cup win and uttered the words “It’s the Chicago Blackhawks, man!” in response to being asked why he was emotional about the Hawks winning The Cup. Made Gretzky’s head bleed.

John Scott:  ‘Fluffy’. Sucks. Inescapably, painfully bad at hockey.


Nicknames and Memes of Other NHL Players & Associates:

Don Cherry, a.k.a. Grapes:  He takes tablecloths and couches, makes them into suits and wears them. See also Mike Milbury who is suspected of being Cherry’s less-entertaining bastard child.

Dino Ciccarrelli:  Forebearer of the hatred that is now focused on Raffi Torres. Resting his head on a bar somewhere. Probably pissed his pants.

Matt Cooke: Turd Burglar – He burgles all the turds, originally a McClurism.

Criminal Asshole:  Todd Bertuzzi. SERIOUSLY…FUCK THIS GUY. If he were Thelma and Torres were Louise and their driving off a cliff was into an eternal lake of molten fire that they never quite died from or lost pain sensations too, that MIGHT make up for their combined doucheitude.

Doc Emerick:  Walking thesaurus who never met a synonym he wouldn’t try out. Excitable. Part of the Triumvirate of Mute (Emerick, Edzo, McGuire). Not to be confused with the Other Triumvirate of Mute (Roenick, Milbury, Jones).

Pierre McGuire:  McDouche, the Douchebag, Douchenozzle, STFUPM, the Penis. He is really fucking creepy, seriously, he is creepy and annoying. “Wouldn’t you say Edzo??”

Mike Milbury:  If he says it about Hockey take for granted that he is wrong. Also “Milbury” is sometimes referenced as shorthand for the sort of idiot meathead fan that he seems to speak for.

Rick Nash: Weiner Tucker (purportedly)

Dale Tallon: Uncle Dale – has a penchant for making trades with Stan that make you wonder if he is still on the Hawks payroll (see Versteeg, Kris for the latest example).

Raffi Torres:  Public Enemy Number One. Hated, despised, hunted, hated some more. Presence has a tendency to elicit calls of ‘Fuck Raffi Torres’. Talentless. A bully. Hit Seabrook and God in the head in consecutive postseasons. Inevitably ends his year Shanabanned. Due for eventual penance in the form of Hossa Karma.

Antoine Roussel: Quickly reaching heightened levels of hatred in Hawk fandom.


Opponent Team Monikers

Blackhawks North:  Winnipeg

Blackhawks South:  Florida

River SCUM or SCUM Jr.:  St. Louis Blues

SCUM:  Detroit Red Wings

The Region that shall not be named:  It supposedly exists somewhere between Manitoba and British Columbia north of the 49th parallel. Nobody knows exactly what goes there, but whatever magic it is, it is downright evil.


Memes

17 SECONDS: Really? If you need this explained to you, we doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion.

(The) Anthem:  Jim Cornelison’s game day ritual killing of terrorists and other anti-Americans

BadgerDano: To take a comment at face value. Example “This comment needs to be upboated”. Response: “Okay, I don’t see what so great about it, but I will upboat it”. BadgerDano has since departed us, and he is missed. /Badgerdano’d

Big Boy Hockey (BBH): The concept of trying to win by hitting everything that moves on the ice. Does not actually work against modern NHL teams except in Mike Milbury’s wet dreams.

Clownshoes:  A descriptor of a power play unit that is being particularly inept/sluggish/frustrating to watch.

Dagger: always a good thing. Means a score or a win at home and subsequent playing of Chelsea’s Dagger.

Disqus Sucks: Disqus sucks.

Faceoffs don’t matter: see “QoS” in the acronyms section.

Fuck:  TMFF’s favorite word, and perhaps one of the most common on TCI. It is usually surrounded by sarcasm, but not always. It is a pretty versatile little word and used routinely in numerous settings.FUCK(!!!):  Typical typo that occurs immediately after a goal against the Hawks.

Laaarmer’d:  Replying to your own comment.

Line-o-matic, Line Blender: Refers to Coach Q’s penchant for scrambling the forward lines during games for his own reasons (meaning not due to ejections or injuries), sometimes starting in the first period. This tendency was quite pronounced in recent seasons but seems to have moderated during the current (2013-14) one, when he’s mostly kept the Red Wedding Line and the Kruger/Smith/Bollig line together.

Johnny Bag O’ Dicks: Third period (meltdowns, weird things, trolls).

Kneel: Command following Brandon Saad scoring a goal, executing a spin-o-rama, or otherwise any time 10thMountainFire gets excited about Saad for any reason. If it’s not clear soldier you don’t ask you just KNEEL!

Luck: Some unmeasurable force that can not be parsed in stats, but is ALWAYS the reason bad things happen to the Hawks. When the Hawks are losing, they never have this mystical force, or only the “bad” version of it.

No Math Fridays: No math on Fridays. Routinely ignored.

Palomino: A type of Horse and also a Code Word that people want a line of comments to cease and desist because it has entered the nether regions of topics that will only cause fighting, usually politics.

Patented Bickell wrister: Bickell lasering a 40-foot wrister past a startled goalie, sometimes into the net.

Pics/Gifs: A form of entertainment and mockery of all to support our Hawks and make fun of all others. Some commenters are purty good in making these.

Puppies videos: Used after losses to pull ledge dwellers back from jumping.

Resident Trolls: CrisisInTheWoods, Cookiemonster, Superman_Damned, DTM, KaneMVP – Trolls, variants used to identify new user but usually the same lonely person. See also: BLou, mhsilver

Seabrook sucks: Seabrook sucks. Those who favor advanced stats don’t agree with this opinion. The TOS currently do agree with it, to the mystification of some who had previously been persuaded by the TOS’s advocacy for the use of advanced stats.

Shinpads: Duncan Keith is accused of aiming only for these with his shots. Also beloved by Shaw, as many of his goals are scored by teammates bouncing pucks off his.

The Echo Chamber: The TCI board; so called for similar reasons as the Hive Mind. People shout out and only hear the same opinion echoed back to them.

The Hive Mind: The TCI community; so called for it’s supposed lack of tolerance of voices of dissent or difference.

The Ledge (The Cliff): A region where the weak hearted live who forget this is the team that came back down 3 games to 1 vs SCUM, and scored the game tying and Stanley Cup winning goals in 17 SECONDS. Talking is not authorized on the ledge because talking while on the ledge results in supremely stupid things being said to annoy everyone else on the thread. Ledge dwellers are required to make room for new personnel after each Hawks loss.

Trade Kane, Kane for Ryan Miller, Kane is lazy, Kane is too small: Past meathead nonsense about Patrick Kane. If you believe this crap you should try playing in traffic, blindfolded, on I-94 at 2:00am.

Upboat – Upvote or ^ , mistakenly typed when the person meant upvote and the rest is history.

waylon or /waylon’d:  Accidentally posting a response to a different comment than was intended. Named after a TCI/SCH regular who kept having trouble with the interface.


Some commonly-used acronyms besides the player nicknames:

BOTD: Beard of the day. See last year’s playoffs threads for examples.

DLR: David Lee Roth. After the Hawks totally dismantle another team (typically by 5+ goals) it is celebrated with David Lee Roth singing “Everybody Wants Some”. At times the ToS (or just Sam) deem a 4 Goal win may be worthy of DLR due to the total domination that was displayed and/or one goal against was a fluke/trash that should not spoil the fun.

GDT: Refers to a game-day thread. The acronym isn’t quite literal, what it refers to specifically is the comment items that are begun for each period of a Blackhawk game while the game is underway (simply labeled “1st period thread”, etc.). These threads are different in tone and content from all other comment sections on TCI: they are running streams of quick real-time reactions as the game is going on. They’re often livelier and more profane than “regular” TCI comment sections, and are much less likely to include back-and-forth responses on general Blackhawk or NHL topics. Some TCI regulars are active mostly in the GDTs while others do most of their commenting on regular blog posts; a few are active in both. Sometimes a regular will refer to “the board” and the GDTs as separate things, which technically they aren’t but in style and feel they are.

NM: Refers to the Nucks Misconduct blog which supports the Vancouver Canucks. Members were pretty good foils for Blackhawk fans back when the Canucks were a competitive team. Now a place of wailing and lamentations.

QoS: Quality of Shot – an ongoing religious schism in which the two sides talk past each other. One side states that there are no repeatable/reliable/meaningful differences in shot quality over large samples at the NHL level; the other side views that as an argument that the quality of a given shot makes no difference to the chance of scoring on a given shot. The first side gets frustrated at having a straw man put into its mouth; the second side is sure from watching the games that some players/teams take better shots than others and that that makes a difference in scoring. Rinse and repeat.

SLGT: Stands for St. Louis Game Time which is the Blues largest blog, a feat it achieved by serving as many pictures as possible since most members there cannot read. Is consistently the example to use when trying to determine how uncivilized current human societies might become, mostly because they live in St. Louis.

TOS:  Triumvirate of Stupid, used ironically to refer to the proprietors of The Committed Indian. (Originally coined by them.)

TWTW:  The Will To Win; What the Hawks lack in every loss, if they had TWTW every game they would never lose. TWTW does not apply to the other team if they lose, only if they win because they had it and the Hawks did not. The acronym is typically used ironically to refer to the deployment of similarly-meatheaded cliches. To hear samples of non-ironic deployment of the actual phrase, tune into a Mike Milbury intermission segment.


TCI citizens (abbreviated name – SCH Name):

(insert names here and others fill in descriptive information on that particular person?)

Accipiter:  Hasn’t worn pants since…..no one really knows; the pivot man

Ahnfire:  moderator. Don’t test her. She wins and you’ll be left without important pieces of your ego. Wielder of the Banhammer.

AMR: Nobody really knows what the letters stand for, therefore it must be aliens.

birdhead ( – birdie):  Statmeister. Consistently coming up with new ways to insert numbers and mathematics into previously unthinkable situations. The Stephen Hawking of TCI. ninja, better bring your A game; recipe provider (if you ask nicely), has identified a significant fissure in the thread of the universe with theorizes a correlation between the outcomes of Carolina Hurricanes and Chicago Blackhawks games

bizarrohairhelmet (bhh – hairhelmet):  Great taste in music, but don’t ever insinuate that Chicken Fried Steak is made from chicken in front of him. Does not approve of your taste in music.

Bob Lanz:  Hates the mods. Supports the legalization of public troll beatings.

ChicagoNativeSon:  AKA CNS, graphics and stats guru. Needy.

Chidiver:  Hide your food and your booze

cliffkoroll:  resident grammar dick, troll him, it’s fun. McClure-CliffKoroll bouts bring in big PPV money.

Country_Bumpkin:  Some folks’ll never lose a toe, but then again some folks’ll, like Cleetus the slack-jawed yokel.

CozBullsFan (CBF):  Generally to be found knee-deep in vats of rum. He’s tired of your nonsense and he will not have any of it. If he tells you to stop, stop before he pulls out a case of the rhetorical hammerdowns.

DuHawk:  He loves you.

Fleshrifle:  lactates on occasion

Hawkeytalk:  Bolland lover forever.

Hi,I’mBobLeDonne (HIBLD):  Not really.

I Am Not Chico Maki:  He is. No he’s not. Nacho Chico.

Joe Banks:  hit and run commenter

justforkicks:  Uses bagels to ensure Hawks victories. Does not approve of your anti-Americanism. Because. Do not insult Kane or you will incur her wrath.

laaarmer:  Have you seen “Grumpy Old Men”? It was named after him! Running for the US presidency on the Anger Ticket, campaign managed by CliffKoroll. A Hawk fan living in enemy territory (Michigan).

lizmcneill:  She’s lizmcneill and you’re not.

MattC84:  Resident goalie expert (uhh…razz?) and professionally-certified netminder analyst.

MightyMikeD (mmd):  Irish in flesh and spirit. Hockey expert, music aficionado, honorary Chicagoan.

MySpoonIsTooBig (- Frank Stallon):  The former Frank Stallone.

Paul the Fossil: Old fart who still plays rec league and thinks TCI should sponsor a team. Likes to look up and post stats on sundry topics as they come up in TCI discussions. If you hate on Seabrook or any other player based on the eye test, Paul is disappointed in you.

QCBlackhawk: Enemy of the troll

Sparky_The_Bard-barian:  He’ll have scotch, thank you very much.

Stacie7:  Queen bee, moderator, Mom. Brings all the koolaids.

Steeg of their own:  Lover of Wolfe and Versteeg. Not necessarily in that order.

ToewsMakesFunnyFaces (TMFF):  Knows more ways to use the word Fuck than you could ever dream of. Great with Powerpoint(Excel), better with stats.

VanDorpsMullet (VDM):  Stop arguing and get back to hockey. A great lover of lamps. 2nd best taste of music on the site.

VerStig: Long time regular, introduced many to the concept of Regression to the mean.

Waylon: He talks at times, at times to the wrong thing, hence the “waylon”.

Why:  Because <insert argument against whatever you support here>

Z-Man19:  Gatekeeper of the circle jerk, has several interesting uses for an abacus. Likes gumballs.

1benmenno:  Hide everything (but especially your bacon). Resident Luddite and/or Mennonite. Also knowledgeable about good music and film.

10thMountainFire (XMF):  A unique and refreshing sense of sanity; resident slattern. You don’t even have to ask; he loves you. Clearly we’re all afraid of him.

2883 (Numbers):  Academically-accredited pursuit of low body fat percentage andopponent of the Crow Contract. Sometimes eats big, red candles.

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