Everything Else

This One’s Easy

We only know one half of the participants in the Stanley Cup Final, which will start Monday (and starting it on a holiday seems a bit weird to me but at this point I’m beyond studying it too hard). The NHL only needs to know half though, because they can once again, finally, put the most deserving player in the position of face of the league.

It is time for the hockey world to come to terms with PK Subban.

I don’t know how this could be any simpler. P.K. Subban is having a dominant playoffs on the ice. He’s rocking a 53.2% in both Corsi and xGF%, but you don’t need to know any of that to see what he’s doing. Sure, he only has two goals and it’s hard to highlight to the casual fan what a player is doing when they’re not consistently scoring, but this is where your “analysts” should be accentuating what he is doing. He’s anchoring the surprise team in this playoff, the first real shock since probably at least 2012 (and those Kings weren’t really much of a surprise at all). As much as hockey loves to claim that anyone can win the Stanley Cup when the playoffs start, almost all of the Final participants the past few years have made a whole lot of sense. Even last year’s Sharks, though a third-placed team, were playing the best hockey for a couple months heading into it all.

But it goes beyond hockey, as does anything when it comes to marketing and promotion. I can’t conceive of how he could be more of a marketing dream. He’s stupid handsome. Look at how this man dresses:

I mean fucking hell. Come on. He’s hip, he’s stylish. Express hired Kris Bryant for a year and Kris Bryant doesn’t have anything to say!

There’s another thing. Subban has things to say. He’s a bright guy, and has navigated some pretty sticky subjects smoothly. He knows everything that follows him and hasn’t been afraid to address it.

Need more? Ok. HOW ABOUT BUILDING AN ENTIRE WING TO A CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL?! Maybe I should have started there. While warming up to any athlete is always fraught with peril, check this out and see if you don’t completely sell out for the dude:

How many other NHL players do you see in stuff like this? Four? What more could you fucking want? He makes a positive impact in every community he’s been in.

Storylines? Ok, how about getting exiled from the most famous hockey team in the world, being blamed for their shortcomings falsely, and now surpassing them with a team that was mocked only a few years ago? Aren’t you people infatuated with redemption stories? About how much PK loved Montreal and the city loved him and being ripped away from each other, and now he’s making a home in a new place that hockey people still consider so foreign? This shit writes itself, you don’t even have to do anything.

When I’m watching sports, and a Gatorade ad comes on that mirrors Paul George’s, it shouldn’t be fucking Garbage Dick who’s on it. PK is everything you’d want the NHL to be about, while Garbage Dick most certainly is not. And unlike most every other NHL player, PK has a personality. You can’t tell me our reactions to the bullpen dance parties going on at Wrigley couldn’t be tapped by PK’s pregame dancing. Fuck, just look at the outrage when your lead dinosaur/nincompoop Mike Milbury criticized it.

Starting with this Final, PK should be the one on your Gatorade/Adidas/Mastercard ads. Even I should be sick of him within a year or two’s time (just kidding I’d never get sick of PK). Stop shoving players who have zero to say and think, and those are just the ones who aren’t a fucking danger to society. Seriously, we’re talking about a landscape where Jonathan Toews’s global warming thoughts constitute a Gettysburg Address.

DO YOU WANT ME TO SHOW THIS TO THE CAT AND HAVE THE CAT TELL YOU WHAT IT IS? BECAUSE THE CAT IS GOING TO GET IT!

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