Usually I do this myself, but this year the whole crew is chiming in so you can hang us all out to dry in April. Let’s kick this pig…
Hawks Point Total and finish in the division
Cieslak – 104 points, 2nd
McClure – 102 points, 2nd (lose on ROW)
Feather – 110 points, 1st
Fearless Leader – 108 points, 1st
Cieslak – Kane, 91pts
McClure – Garbage Dick, 90 points
Feather – Kane, EIGHTY-THREE
Fearless Leader – Kane, 89 pts
Leading rookie scorer
Cieslak – Schmaltz
McClure – Schmaltz, 38 pts
Fifth Feather – Motte, 44 pts
Fearless Leader – Schmaltz, 45 pts
Will Marian Hossa break 20 goals?
Cieslak – No
McClure – 20 on the button
Feather – Yes
Fearless Leader – No
Will we still be calling Seabrook various names in March?
Cieslak – Yes, and hopefully one of them is, “PLUS-30!!”
McClure: Yes because it’s funny, and it was funny before he was bad.
Feather – Yes but our collective love for Jon Cooper’s creepiness will be much more in vogue.
Fearless Leader – Probably, but it won’t be because of his improved play.
Panarin’s point total
Cieslak – 76
McClure – 68
Feather – 65
Fearless Leader – 60
Which player is deadline pickup?
Cieslak – No one
McClure – Iggy
Feather – Drew Stafford
Fearless Leader – It’s so going to be ClusterFuck and I’m going to throw myself out of a window
Pacific Division Winner
McClure – Ducks
Feather – Sharks, but really want to say Calgary if Johnny Hockey signs soon
Fearless Leader – Sharks
Atlantic Division Winner
Cieslak – Tampa
McClure – Tampa, leading to more Yzerman puff pieces than can be counted
Feather – Florida, but only because Slak talked them up so much. Toronto jumps two spots to 6th and we’re all better humans for having witnessed it.
Metro Division Winner
Cieslak – Pens
McClure – Caps, because Trotz can’t rest Holtby
Feather – Penguins
Fearless Leader – Pens
Central (if not Hawks)
Cieslak and McClure – Preds
Fearless Leader and Feather – HAAAAAAAWWWWKKKKSSSSSS
Cieslak, McClure, and Fearless Leader – Crosby (he’s going for like 120 points this year)
Feather – Stamkos
Cieslak – Cory Schneider
McClure – Lundqvist for backing a team with no centers to the playoffs again
Feather – Crawford, and he’ll still be treated by the city like a citizen of District 12.
Fearless Leader – I’ll say Schneider as well only because it’ll make Tortorella look even dumber than he already does. Price as alternate.
Cieslak, McClure, Feather – Matthews, though Feather says Forsling will be a finalist, resulting in Vancouver finally and thankfully burning itself to the ground.
Fearless Leader – Laine
Cieslak – Shea Weber by the sheer gale force hot air of the Canadian hockey media
McClure – Karlsson again, but Faulk gets a finalist spot
Feather – Shea Weber. Even if Weber shits the proverbial bed, the voting body can’t wait to elect Weber because of how fearsome and scary he is.
Fearless Leader – I feel like any of the Hamilton, Brodie, or Giordano get it for a surprisingly good Flames team. Maybe Gio as a lifetime achievement thing. But I’m going to go with Faulk for an also surprisingly good Canes team and hockey writers wanting to feel like they’re hip or something.